Off the grid on the grid

I am off the Internet except for this first gen iPhone on 3g … I am working at a less crappy crap job and I am using the moons now to guide the timing of my decisions. I am rebelling against the extreme materialism of our culture by practicing consciousness of the old religion. My computer os is too old to use the Internet – my browser is excluded by many sites so I just gave up – threw in the towel … I am not keeping up with the Jones anymore-

I am writing this article w one finger…

I am painting a lot more than I was when I had Internet at home. I go to bed earlier.

The newest crap job is better in some respects but I don’t fit in even more than before which kinda sucks but is also ok- or only sucks when I am believing things are supposed to b different like when I am believing the American Hallucination that life is about me getting my way all day everyday… But then I think of someone like Nelson Mandela – who sacrificed his desires and his life for Freedom of his people – and that’s when I realize that life is about something else – each of us has our own path and our own duty to fulfill that path – go willingly or get dragged – that American Halluxination garbage is just corporate propoganda designed to incubate retail therapy…

That’s why I am going back to following the moon- I already pay close attention to the moon void of course … But now I am going to start new projects w the new moon – observe thru the month how life ebbs and flows with the moon – hoping that I will be one of many people turning away from materialism even while living within it – hoping that consciousness alone might be helpful toward restoring humanity to sanity w regard to how we r inhabiting earth.

I don’t know what else to do but I have to do something

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I quit Perilous Path…

PP – last night I told the front-end supervisor that this was my last shift – She was shocked – she said why are you not giving 2 weeks notice? I said, I was advised not to.

At the end of the shift she asked me what I wanted to do?

I said whatever is best for you – I said I did not want to do it this way but I asked the union rep how to handle it and she told me that if I gave 2 weeks notice the Manager would fire me on the spot.

The front=end supervisor acknowledged that that was true – with a lilt in her voice or an mmhmm – it was BIZARRE.

Basically she guilted me about the not giving notice BEFORE my shift, yet acknowledged the truth of my being fired ON THE SPOT after my shift.

Everyone who works there is using something – the produce manager always smells like booze. my coworker in fuel the same – also. The fuel manager is a gambler and says she used to be a drunk. This means that in order to deal with the lie of PP you have to numb out your conscience with something.

That means that they would rather have the power to cut their nose off to spite their face rather than have someone else do it. It’s all about winning for them – not about what is best for the store. Sad. So either way the store would get screwed – this way I got paid.

Teeth or No Teeth

Having teeth or not having teeth defines an entire class of people. My friend has no teeth. He had mouth cancer and they took out his teeth. He was homeless and has brain damage and has been chronically homeless his whole life since age 20, but he comes from a wealthy family. But he has no teeth. The result?

Bums talk to him at the bus stop. People offer him whiskey and pot on the street. People with teeth tell him “get out of here” when he is in a store. It’s interesting to look at.

I had a molar break last winter and did not have the money for a root canal so had to have it pulled – now I am missing a tooth in the back of my mouth. For a long time it felt like a sibling had died. I still put my tongue in the hole, although not as much as before. I feel like losing a tooth made me more a part of the working class.

Having all your teeth in a community of ex-drug users is unusual. It shows either that you are a high-bottom user or that you come from money. Crystal Meth and crack take teeth right away. Alcohol takes teeth through lack of attention to maintenance as well as sugar production. Most of the people I know have implants or dentures or no teeth. I have all my original teeth ‘cept that one that broke.

Age. There are other members of my family who admitted to having holes in their mouths but I remember it was very important to my mother that my teeth be maintained. My mother came from immigrant parents of a bourgeosie class of Jews – who owned a plumbing company in New York City in the 1800s. They immigratd from Hungary/Poland. My mother married into my old-money anti-semetic WASP family – partly for the prestige of automatic hierarchy it provided. She continued to work as a teacher in the public school system and tried to make me into the perfect little recipient of her high standards.

I had none of it. I left that broken citadel behind and went off to find my own weird lifestyle. Now I try to live organically on nothing. One tooth missing makes me fit better into the family of people I hang with, but I know that my friend with no teeth will feel better about himself in our society if he has dentures even if they are uncomfortable.

Crucifixion of the Clerks

I had another horrific night at PP last night. I am going to put the blame on the Moon being Void of Course added to bad management at PP, and that I was fighting a cold. It’s not the Moon’s fault perse – it’s me because my Moon is in Cancer and I rely 100% on my Intuition, not my logical mind – so when it goes Void – I am screwed. The Moon was void for about 15 hours yesterday. All bets are off when this happens. I prefer to stay home and piddle around, but modern life does not allow for this.

When I am coming down with a cold – I am pretty useless as well. I prayed a lot last night and tried to be very nice to this woman as she berated me and told me to “do my job”.

The basic gist of the whole deal is that I was never trained properly to use the computer/register. The computer is an old 80s IBM with a touch screen. When you have to print a receipt for someone it can often be a disaster. There are a lot of factors involved – one is that you can’t scroll down the touch screen. You have to “jump” down hours back and then you can sort of scroll back up – I don’t know why this is – just old technology, probably.

Another is that the “times” listed along the side of each transaction are listed in Military Time (I figured this out last night) so if you don’t understand that, you are screwed.

The other thing is that people get confused about what they paid. If they used gas rewards points, they may think they paid one thing when the receipt will say something else. But as we all know – “people” are never wrong. The “clerk” is the one who is “wrong”.

I am going to also add one other piece of information here – the woman was a caucasian female in her 40s. I was told by my manager that the people who would be the hardest to deal with would be caucasian females…the 2nd hardest would be African American females… I did not believe her, but she is correct. I try to take this into account and being that I am a cauc fem – I try to be better – nicer – and not blame the clerk – if I am not getting MY WAY in a customer service ordeal.

And I have to ask myself WHY? – I think White Chicks have more fear and entitlement, but I think entitlement comes from false PRIDE and fear that we don’t measure up and are not going to get what we need.

This woman was convinced she paid $30+ on pump 8. I could not find a recent transaction for anything more than $25. She began to accuse me when I could not find the $30+ amount.

This was my mistake – my lack of confidence, due to lack of training, gave her the edge to make this about me, instead of perhaps checking her own amounts and maybe being wrong herself. This fiasco went on for about half an hour.

First she told me to call a manager and have them come out and help me. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!. That does sound like a plauseable solution doesn’t it? But that would never happen at PP. NO ONE will ever come out and HELP you – UNLESS of course the drawer jams – that also happened last night.

I tried to tell her that I would but that they would never call me back and no one would come out. She told me I was wrong, that she had been coming to PP for 10 years and had never had such a problem – it’s obviously ME so I called the manager, who, NEVER CALLED ME BACK.

The woman stood and glared at me and then stormed off to the store. The manager called me from the store and told me to call my immediate supervisor and have her walk me through it.

REALLY??? THIS IS YOUR FUCKING SOLUTION??? OK let’s all play this pretend game together, shall we?

My immediate supervisor LEFT FOR THE DAY. She is not going to call ME back ??? everyone knows this – but they just LIE LIE LIE. I had to say “okay” even though I knew this solution was not going to work. I called “Suzie” and left her a message. I called her 3 more times and she has STILL not called me back. – it’s the next day now – tonite we will just all laugh about this together – we will say – the woman was a bitch – we will roll our eyes because PP is badly run – we will just be “right” that we “know” that this was not my fault and she will just be glad that it was me there and not her.

THERE IS NO SOLUTION TO THIS PROBLEM. The problem is that the Corps refuse to pay for TRAINING. They devalue good customer service. They just let the problems fall between the clerk and the customer and let the clerk take the heat for all the frustrations of the customer that they have to deal with every day nowadays. THIS IS THE WAY IT IS in the Third World Country called the “UNITED” states. United – hahahaha – We are as far away from UNITY as anything I have ever seen. The definition of Unity that I like is – Continuity of purpose in action. Yea RIGHT. We are the DISAGGREGATED STATES OF AMERICA and it shows in every area of our lives…

Anyway – the cauc fem stormed back to the gas station and asked me if I had “been working on getting her receipt while she was gone??” Yes. I have. But to no avail. I asked her if she would be willing to have Suzie get it for her tomorrow. She said NO – by tomorrow how will Suzie be able to get it if I can’t now. I know Suzie would be able to get the $25 one and explain to her that this is IT because Suzie is the fuel manager – but the woman did not want a receipt. She just wanted my scalp.

She got it. Next a man came in and got $6 of gas on pump 3 and a Tea that was on sale with his club card. I forgot to ask for the club card because I was so flustered over the other situation – I was starting to disintegrate completely. I tried to explain to the man that I was sorry but that I was trying to deal with this other situation, hoping that he would be understanding. NO!!! It was just his opportunity to THROW STONES AT ME TOO!!! It was like Wilding – they got off on it – wow. I ended up ringing up the transaction twice and then putting his gas on the wrong pump. Yup. Good thing I don’t care about how I look.

This all reminded me a bit of 6th grade. In 6th grade I sucked at math – the same way I do now. Mrs. Olsen, our teacher, would announce every week that I had gotten another D on the test. I would feel about as big as this dot . here on the page – but worse because I cared at that point being that I was IN 6TH GRADE about what my classmates thought of me. BULLIES. Anyway – the woman finally left.

At some point, I rang up an item and hit some key with my pinky and the amount came to $299 with change at $188.77 – 5 minutes later the Drawer Jammed and I got the manager out that time – wouldn’t want to not be able to use the CASH REGISTER would we? That gets their attention and there I was trying to figure this out and this fucking CAUC FEM customer only cares about HER GAS -and HER TRANSACTION going through and gets me to ring HER IN WHILE I am trying to deal with the fucking penny roll jamming the drawer and then she tells me “see it wasn’t such a big deal” while it still JAMMED!!!! No NOT FOR YOU lady – YOU got what YOU wanted when YOU wanted it didn’t YOU – it’s all about each individual person getting THEIR way out there – ISN’T IT never a thought of the greater whole huh???

We talk all about how we have to think of the greater whole, but DO WE ACTUALLY ACT THAT WAY??? BE THE CHANGE??? ANYBODY???

In addition to all this chaos, we have a new lotto machine. The state decided to spend a fraction of their giant lotto earnings on a new machine. WE REALLY NEED THAT. It’s the same as the old machine – just bells and whistles. And of course it doesn’t really work yet – across the state AND OF COURSE NO ONE IS GOING TO TRAIN US ON IT – nope we gotta figure it out for ourselves using this card. WHATEVER.

This one guy that usually is very gruff with me – I invited him to help me figure it out – he couldn’t figure it out, but I think he and I became friends last night because I let him help me instead of just holding him up. He said if goes in the store to get the lotto done he has to wait 20 min on line or for someone to come to the service desk…

Yup that was my night. TONITE it’s supposed to suddenly drop to 14 degrees and SNOW. CAN’T WAIT.

“work” is a Four Letter Word

Ok – I have been pondering this for a while. Most people won’t understand why I am going to write an article about this because most people were raised differently than I was. Most kids, I think, get jobs, as kids, unless perhaps they are raised by drug addicts. I was raised by “old money” alcoholics – people on the outskirts of the 1%, so I was raised to believe that I was special-er than everybody else and therefore was just going to get everything I wanted forever. I was going to marry the right dude and I was just going to float along in wonderland. This was unfortunate, because it did not turn out that way, which is part of the reason that I am 52 with a Masters Degree working at a supermarket. There are other reasons which I won’t get into, besides the economy, which is in the dumper, as we know. That is a factor but it is not an excuse.

So, that being said, in order to work at the supermarket, I had to do a lot of work spiritually to ready myself for it. I had to get a new meditation practice. I did the Silva Method from teh book You The Healer, by Jose Silva because it was regimented and has a lot of potential for growth but also has a quick-fix kind of nature to it, which is what I need right now.

Sure – people reading this article could roll their eyes and think – “grow up whiner” or whatever – yes – think that all you want, but nonetheless I had to ready myself spiritually for what I was going to be asked to do and feel and think in this situation at age 52. What I am saying is that kids that do these sorts of job as kids are a lot better prepared for living than I was. And I have quit most jobs like this much sooner than I have quit this job. I have quit this job (not yet, mind you) only after I got another one – and the one I got might be just switching seats on the Titanic – but we’ll see.

My parents – my mother in particular – oddly was not raised by old money. She was raised by 2nd generation immigrant parents and worked her whole life as a public school teacher. My father, although he lived off an inheritance for part of his later life, also worked as a journalist and freelance photographer, successfully. He was the old-money dude. He went to the family Ivy League school. All his other kids went to Ivy League Schools. I am the only child of he and my mother. The family are members of Skull and Bones from way back.

My brother, the oldest of the twins, went to the family Ivy League School and became a lawyer and is fairly successful although not a super rich lawyer. My sister and my other brother are both losers like me. My sister was homeless in her car for many years and is what I saw as my future if I did not make a change because she thinks she is a prophet and believes that the Galactic Federation is going to “reset” the planet “soon”. My brother has not worked for 30 years, is on anti-depressants, with a large wine collection in the basement, at age 65 – another Ivy League graduated lawyer. His wife is a workaholic librarian who worked for an oil company and was the bread-winner. Needless to say – not happy campers. My sister cleans houses, house-sits and sells other people’s stuff and skims off her mother’s money. I thought of myself as an amazing artist for many years with a lot to say as well. I am an amazing artist – but as I have said in other articles, when it comes to the marketplace this does not really matter. I had to live as a couch-surfer for the last 6 years to come to this.

I have had over 30 “jobs” in my life. I have worked retail, legal, office, owned my own cappuccino cart, done graphic design, tattooing, been an illustrator, vended on tour with a band, and been a fine artist and taught college level graphic design, painting and drawing and taught privately. I have gotten fired often, because I make faces of which I am not aware and have a “tone” in my voice. Last year, I was in southern California, staying with my niece, daughter of my sister. I overheard her on the phone on speaker talking to my sister and I heard “the tone” I use – I listened in horror at the two of them talking and heard the “entitlement” tone that is “me” – that was IT. I decided then and there I had to change that about myself. Where that came from I don’t know – but it is not just “me” it’s my family. I have to kill it – it has to die. They sounded haughty and disdainful – I had never heard myself although people have suggested I videotape myself and then I will change. I am sure this is why I have been fired 30 times for my “attitude”… plus the sarcasm does not help…by the way.

So, coming from that scenario – here’s what I am learning about “work”. Work and the practice of “work” creates a space in the brain where I learn to “do” things that I don’t have to want to do and don’t have to like to do, but I just do them. For 4-8 hours per shift, I do things that I have to do whether I like them or not – liking them or not liking them, feeling good or not feeling good are irrelevant.

And perhaps I can and will take this a step further to say that I am in service to others in doing them although with Perilous Path, I don’t think that is actually true and that is why I think it is relevant to discuss this. With regard to Perilous Path, I am not in service to anyone really because Perilous Path itself and how it does things cuts off it’s own nose to spite it’s face – so the things I do in that shift actually harm everyone – they harm the people I am selling to, they harm the owners of the company, and they harm the planet. Perilous Path’s procedures are based on fear, so my time is spent doing things like “counting the cigarettes”. This action is irrelevant because it’s purpose is to keep “us” from stealing the cigarettes. So when I get reprimanded for not counting the cigarettes properly, I don’t really care because it is not going to help Perilous Path for me to count the fucking cigarettes over and over – because the whole purpose of counting the fucking cigarettes is to ensure that on my shift I am not stealing the stupid cigarettes.

I am not good at counting, and I told them this from the onset. The only reason I can do it now is that I don’t take it that seriously. I do it once or twice. If I do it more than that I am going to get a different answer every time and I am going to go nuts. Then I won’t be available to do my job.

However, because the rest of my life has meaning, I am able to continue doing this “job”. I had to ask myself though, why? What the fuck could I possibly be doing that would benefit me and God – and that is when it came to me that I am creating a space in my spirit for doing something because you have to do it and having liking it or not liking it having no relevance. That is important to develop in order to be a whole person.

I think back to the days before we were industrialized. Farmers had to labor in the hot sun day in and day out growing food. I think comparatively this work would have had a lot more meaning than selling Gatorade and Lotto Tickets to the “public”, but spiritually it is probably synonymous.

We cannot escape the purpose of living. We can “civilize” living all we want but I think what God and Nature provided for us here was a better option all around because in working with nature it caused no harm and only caused betterment for all.

We have to learn the things we have to learn regardless of how we learn them. Perhaps the dry rocky soil hand-tilled with a make-shift hoe gives back the same kind of emotional response that a guy on a cell-phone who throws a $10 bill on the counter and says “Ten on 3” and turns on his heel and walks out – as above so below – and it is my spiritual job to be nice to the guy and not send him RUDE back just the same as it would have been to continuing tilling the ground – because you gotta eat… but spiritually the ground-tilling operation provided the same character-building that receiving rudeness and returning it with kindness provides.

That’s all for now.

bye bye Perilous Path…

I got another job!!! Yahoo!!! Wow the economy must be turning… well it is HERE anyway because HERE where I live we have a new economy… so there are more jobs and hundreds of people moving here daily to be a part of our new economy… I don’t like that very much but it’s temporarily good for the the economy that there is this influx. It is only temporary because our new economy will eventually have huge negative repercussions…

But I got a new job. I am going to stay at PP for a little while longer till we move. The other employees deal with PP by complaining. That is their steam valve. I don’t have that type of steam valve because if I complained without action I would eventually have to drink – that’s not an option.

At PP everyone openly talks about how they hate it all the time. If I ask someone how they are doing they say “I’m here.” and that is supposed to excuse their nasty attitude. I can’t stay in a situation like that.

My friend says that’s what the millitary is like. Wow! EVIL. The new job is also at a supermarket in town but it is much better run – the interview was fun and well-organized. They interviewed 4 of us and we played little games. In the end, she offered us all jobs! They even are going to give me an “experience” credit on my pay for having worked at PP.

Good stuff. So I will stay at PP a few more weeks till we move and then I will start training with the new place. My friend works there and loves it – she has worked there for 4 years and moved up. This girl who interviewed us moved up. She is obviously happy.

The problem with me and supermarkets is that I know about agribusiness and about the meat industry so I am never going to be able to fully give myself to supermarkets, but there may be other good reasons why I need this experience…

I had wanted to open a worker-cooperative grocery story at one point. I am gaining the experience I need for that… if not that, something else will materialize out of this surely. At the very least, I will do what I am doing now in an environment where there are positive vibes and potential for growth.

On being an artist…

I am an artist. Or so I thought I was. Or I am an artist whether I “succeed” as an artist or not. Or I am a person who makes stuff as the way I chill. And I have an advanced degree in this pursuit. But I have no real “success” in it. I have invested probably 48 years of my life in it and countless zillions of dollars in it and ridiculous hours in promoting it and it doesn’t sell… but I am still an artist. I have not made anything for 4 months because my circumstances don’t really allow me to do anything at the moment, and I am super duper frustrated, because I am an artist and I need to move my hands back and forth with colors in them to chill my brain.

I have about 15 canvases in my car and a big box of oil paint that this artist gave me about a month ago but since I am living in an airstream trailer with another person, I am just basically living in my car and in the trailer and there is no room to paint. I have thought about the canvases. He also gave me a projector. I have thought about the projector. I have thought about the paint and new brushes he has given me.

I bought some watercolor markers and did about 20 mandala sketches in my sketchbook to try to DO something a few months ago and I used a brush and water to move the ink around… but it didn’t thrill me. I am doing Calvendo right now – which is a European calendar maker uploading my artwork to make calendars on their site. I have Fineartamerica.com, Artfinder.com, Imagekind.com, and ebay and etsy.com and have had redbubble.com and deviantart.com. None of that stuff works at all to sell my art.

So to satiate the art bug right now I am making things with my art online, but I am not making art. I am just working at Perilous Path and doing my other super cool thing I do, but not art. I kind of feel like half a person.

I dream about the apartment my friend and I are getting. I think about him and how I hope I can get my art supplies from my various storages and teach him how to do paint. I think he will really get into it. But it’s all a dream right now.

The one thing that I can’t stand is people saying “I should be successful” and trying to help me figure out why I am not making buttloads of money as an artist. My answer is that it’s not may path. And that’s all. I have done everything I can do.

I am just an artist who makes art. I used to blame the economy but some artists are selling now – I don’t know why I am not. I read that book “Do what you love and the money will follow” I have done metaphysics and secret type law of attraction crap and it does not work – for me. So, I am stopping now. I am done. I am just gonna live my simple little life and make art and do my other stuff and that’s it.

Oh and by the way, tomorrow I am interviewing to work at the other big super market here in town so maybe I can get away from Perilous Path. I hope so.